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How to get over jealousy in a relationship

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But his insane jealousy is going to tear us apart unless something changes. Kevin admitted that when they went out in public, he would insist she sit toward a wall so that she couldn't see or be seen by other potential attractive mates. If he caught her chatting or joking with male neighbours or colleagues, he would assume right off she was having How to get over jealousy in a relationship affair. She had stopped seeing a really good male friend she'd known since childhood and he'd "banned" her from chatting to a year-old married man who lived next door.

His jealousy was all-encompassing; from attractive male movie stars to male teachers of her young children. At first before realizing how destructive it was to becomeshe'd been flattered by the intensity of his jealous attentions - after all, it showed he cared, right? But the constant anxiety, loss of her freedom, and sheer clinginess he would text every half-hour if she went out with a girlfriend were now torture to her and also to him.

Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for How to get over jealousy in a relationship partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship.

But just as a spark can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground. So what's behind jealousy? At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss.

Overcoming Jealousy, and Control in...

Like many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his How to get over jealousy in a relationship would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'. Fear makes for feelings of insecurity. When fear lessens, so does jealousy. More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust sometimes self -disgustand hopelessness.

So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself. Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified.

And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated. But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you.

These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids. So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy?

Let's look at what is...

Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool out of anyone but themselves - remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour.

Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run. You'll still distrust your partner for a while out of sheer habitbut find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them. Some not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. I don't understand how someone like them could be attracted to someone like me! Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable?

Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:. There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'.

If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain - some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth. Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth.

Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly like you. I said that not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem; and that's right. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things. People like this tend to look at other people as material How to get over jealousy in a relationship. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person.

Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt. But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. Sounds like it, you might think and I do have my momentsbut hear me out. Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish. Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself.

If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the How to get over jealousy in a relationship happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, How to get over jealousy in a relationship thriving in this imagined scenario. Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Write down 10 positive ways you'd like to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end. Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole How to get over jealousy in a relationship around any one person.

But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure. Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous.

Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going out of your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run.

This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition. If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and How to get over jealousy in a relationship this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man girl who works in the bar Jealousy, like many psychological problems from hypochondria to paranoiais driven by the destructive use of the imagination.

The imagination is great Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it. But he distances himself thankfully for him!

He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth.

I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to How to get over jealousy in a relationship the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it. I recall seeing a YouTube video of a dog becoming very angry - with its own leg.

The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it - not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg.

We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time. When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined How to get over jealousy in a relationship, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy. Okay, since we're talking canines, here's another dog reference. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'.

If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness.

Let them have their freedom and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you. If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine. If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how? Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous.

Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?

Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation. Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself.

Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment. The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you.

It might sound strange to say that jealousy is more about self-love than real love for another person, but jealousy does make us focus more on our own feelings than the feelings of the other person. Overcoming jealousy isn't about making your partner face the wall in restaurants or trying to prevent them ever looking at anyone else; it has to be about you managing your own emotions.

I worked with Kevin hypnotically; worked with his traumatic memories of having been cheated on by someone who wasn't Katherine and, bit by bit, got him to lengthen the leash. Click here to get my free bite-sized relationship tips sent straight to your email inbox that you can use right away to feel better. Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer sincespecializing in brief, solution focused approaches.

I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses. You can read more about me here. If you'd like some extra help with overcoming insecurity in relationships, watch my free 3 part video series on relationships by clicking the button below. Well, the good news is that UncommonHelp. The bad news is that I'm totally swamped with email and comments, and so I have had to take the hard decision not to answer comments here any more.

However, the community here is really helpful and you may well get better advice than I could give you from someone else, so do make a comment if you feel you need help. If it's eating you up inside, let's talk about some ways to stop it. Jealousy is normal in certain cases, but it's when jealously causes us to begin.

Because your jealousy isn't working for you and you know it. How to stop being jealous today before this relationship parasite eats away your love life.

How to stop being jealous...

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